Relationships

Two = One = True Love! FALSE!

When you lose your sense of self, and the other person and the relationship now define your life, that is called codependency.

Everything revolves around your partner’s interest. You stop going out with friends and doing the activities you like unless your partner likes the same activities. You find yourself selecting what your partner likes to be with them – everything in your life centers on what your partner wants and desires. Before long, your only friends are your partner’s friends.

The problem is you don’t know who you are anymore. Codependent relationships create unhealthy habits, anxiety, resentment, depression, and low self-esteem. The other person now controls your value, and they feel smothered and find it impossible to make you feel good about yourself.

It’s hard on the other person who gets tired of trying to meet the demands of this impossible task. You rely on them to feel loved, strong, and valued as a person, and this sets the stage for an unhealthy relationship that does not thrive.

Attachment issues develop in early childhood.

In a perfect world, we would all experience secure attachment given by our caregivers. As you know, we don’t live in a perfect world. Unfortunately, those early childhood attachments (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) infiltrate your adult relationship.

Anxious attachment causes you to worry about your loved one abandoning you constantly. You consider anything that even feels close to abandonment threatening. You fear no one will be there for you and are terrified of being alone. Anxious feelings result from inconsistent care provided to you. The inconsistency and unpredictability in childhood make it hard to trust others as adults.

Avoidant attachment occurs at a young age when life shows you that you can only rely on yourself. You struggle to share your deep feelings, fearing others will dismiss them. You fear rejection, so don’t allow yourself to lean on others or ask for help. As a child, you felt unimportant, and your caregivers often minimized your needs and were critical and dismissive. Their responses created an unsafe environment where it was difficult to share your feelings.

Disorganized attachment makes finding a consistent approach in relationships that work for you difficult. You may have grown up in a dysfunctional and chaotic household, and your caregivers may have acted erratically. Your caregivers failed to teach you a consistent pattern or rules that created the needed structure. As an adult, relationships become complicated and confusing.

Communication issues make relationships difficult.

Many conversations with your partner end in the inability to resolve the differences. Both you and your partner walk away feeling unheard and invalidated. Something must change because you and your partner want to feel supported and loved.

Codependency, attachment issues, and other related problems cause major breakdowns in your communication.

The keystone to trust and intimacy requires learning and practicing new communication and listening skills. I aim to help you feel heard, understood, and validated in your relationship.

Contact me today, and let’s start working to improve your relationship.